Still a Believer : Surviving the Season of Doubt

If I were to deny the existence of a supreme being, there has not been a good time than recently. I had everything in front of me to help me surrender my faith. I was the best candidate to be the Ethiopian version of Charles Templeton. (FYI Charles Templeton was a co-evangelist with Rev. Billy Graham who finally gave his faith up and became an atheist) Thank God I didn’t end up him. In this short piece, I am going to tell you how I survived.

Before I tell you how I survived I think I need to let you know the situation I have been in. In short, I was both physically and mentally not well.

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Physically I had suffered from an abdominal pain that started some 8-9 months ago that turned out to be a kidney stone. Normally a kidney stone has a weird kind of symptoms. If the stones descend down to the renal pelvis and ureter, the pain will be unbearable, even worse than labor. Physicians describe such kind of pain as “colicky”. Thankfully, I was yet to experience that level of pain.

The mental challenge was the “superinfection” as they describe it. On top of my physical pain, I had to sustain some theological, philosophical and cultural challenges. I think the mental challenges were so tougher than the physical ones. There were many questions in my head. I was asking questions like: Why would an incomprehensibly great God become human? Why would he care about us? Why would only Christianity be true? There are many good and moral people in other religions too. Isn’t it so narrow mindedness to think that only Christianity has got it right?

But those were only some of the theological questions I had. In the meantime, however, I also had cultural and social justice questions. The question of cultural appropriation and contextualization arose after I had studied my cultural anthropology course. I faced some questions on secular music, alcoholic drinks, and some other controversial issues. I had to face the questions and they were painful.

The last but not least category of questions was the issue of “social justice”. I was for long known for not taking a quick stance on social matters. I don’t post so quickly especially on political and ethnic matters. I always believed that my comments should not be the reason for someone to be killed. I didn’t want to jump into issues related to politics especially involving ethnic issues. I tried to be careful not to lead people to unintended but obvious end which is killing each other. However, I am someone who belongs to some group. I wasn’t free of ideological and political bias.

Moreover, I belonged to a certain ethnicity. How am I going to reconcile my ethnic identity with my newborn identity that is in Christ? How can I just say silent when my ethnic identity is being mocked by others? I felt I had to compromise my old convictions. At some point, I felt like I was lost in the middle. I have friends who found it easier to do both the insult and the blessing at the same time. They could insult the politician for his ethnic background and at the same time, they live out Christianity. Honestly speaking, I didn’t want such fake form Christianity. If I have to live Christianity, I have to be honest enough to live with the rule of love anywhere and anytime. Ethnic extremism and Christianity are mutually exclusive. The problem is no one seems to have figured out the dividing line. The question of how a Christian's view of his/her ethnic background should have not been discussed well especially in our country. Yes, I also had this question and it hurt. 

Finally, the question of pragmatic truth comes. After all, why am I so stressed about all these things? Does it really matter? Does Christianity really work? Haven't all Christians lost their faith in their nationalism? Go to the Northern part of the country, you see Christians killing each other. Go to Oromia, you see Christians fighting each other and the same was true in the Southern part of our country. How can we say Christianity is powerful then? Can it stop the war in west Oromia? (By that time OLF was fighting with the government) Can it stop the fight between the Qimant and the Amharas nations? Can Christianity be trusted with an outcome of high moral lives? I felt as if I was begging Christianity to be true and real.

In short, these were some of the questions the challenges posed on me. I had to fight back daily. As you read this, some of you might start asking how I could have those questions after all I was a full-time minister. I had authored two books on Christian missions. It feels as if either I had all the questions or I was not allowed to question, right? Well, the Christian life doesn’t really work that way. The pastor has more questions than answers in his head and in his heart. Most of the time, the struggle is between the heart (beliefs) and the mind (critical knowledge). But every Sunday he dresses as if he had never had questions. Yes, even ministers ask, got confused and sometimes give up. Thankfully, most don’t give up and thank God I didn’t give up either. I survived. I am still a believer (and a minister).

Perhaps while reading this, you are going through the same road. You might be in physical pain or in a broken relationship or you lost your beloved ones recently and you are mad at God. Well, God created the mind so that we can entertain questions. If it had not been for the questioning mind, we wouldn’t have seen all the inventions in the world. I am not saying we will invent an answer by questioning God but it is right for us to question God. After all, I want you to stay a believer. I want you to survive. Can I tell you what helped me stay on the course?

1.     Refresh your mind

After years of experience of such seasons in life, I have come to the conclusion that most questions are born out of burn-out phases of life and ministry. In my case, my physical pain was also exacerbated by stress factors. Hence, I really needed to take some rest. I had friends to tell me that I needed rest.

I was studying two graduate studies and at the same time, I was a 4th-year medical student. On top of that, I was involved in ministries both online and off. I couldn’t handle all the questions in such a manner. I had to sacrifice some things in order to have some rest. Hence, I sacrificed one of my graduate studies and withdrew. I had to take a break from most of my ministerial activities. I cannot serve God with a divided heart.

Did it help? Of course! It gave me much time to wrestle with the questions, to fight my battle. It helped me focus on my own battle. We all need time in our lives for ourselves. My advice for the reader is first and foremost to save themselves before their ministries. Let God take care of his own house. You need to take rest if you are struggling over something.

Whenever you feel you are having a difficult time reconciling your heart with your mind, you should take some break from your ministry and routine activities. This also gives you the time to settle and deal with the questions. If you are genuinely seeking answers, you cannot have it unless you are free and refreshed enough to listen to God.

     2.    Don’t leave out the God factor

If I am a genuine quester, I needed to face whatever God has to say. I cannot avoid God and talk my frustrations to the wind. I had no doubt that God exists. I had good philosophical reasons to think that way. If He exists, I have to allow Him to defend himself of my questions.

Most of the time, we ask God and we are not ready enough to listen to him. We just want to throw whatever our hearts held and breathe out deeply. Genuine questions aren’t answered by breathing out so deep. We need to face what God has to say. Thankfully, Pentecostal Christianity has revived us to believe that God not only listens but also speaks to His children.

I had to listen to God. This wasn’t an easy discipline though. I was willing enough to attend Bible studies and church programs. I was humble enough to pray to God to answer my questions. I progressed in my daily personal Bible study time. My questions didn’t hinder me from giving God a time to explain himself. At one time, I had to ask God soberly that unless he answered my questions I was going to backslide. 

Most philosophical reasoning would leave us with books and with unlimited but irrelevant time of thought. Nothing comes out of such gymnastics of thoughts. We finally come to understand that it was all a waste of time. If you are struggling over a question, my advice for you is please don’t waste your time thinking that your mind solely can answer questions. Give God time. Be in a position where you allow him to defend himself.

     3.     Unanswered ≠ No answer

Here is the most difficult part of the road. Suddenly you will realize that it won’t take you anywhere. Your pain has no answers. Your questions have no explanations. The entire ministerial break you took, the discipline you committed to get answers seems not to work. You will feel you are left in the middle of nowhere.

This is the “Habakkuk moment”. The old time's prophet Habakkuk had times of frustrations recorded in the Bible. For Habakkuk, it seemed that God was not going to answer prayers anymore. It was a difficult and most challenging time for the old prophet.

This was a difficult moment for me. I discovered that there were no plausible and satisfying answers both to my physical and mental challenges. Not even spiritual disciplines seemed to answer my questions. Now, at this moment I had the choice either to turn Charles Templeton or Billy Graham.

 Charles Templeton, when he found out that there was no plausible answer for the evils in the world, he concluded that there is no God. He left the faith for good. Many believers give up at this stage where they feel they have given God enough time to explain himself but he failed to do. Did you feel the same? Does it sound your story too? Well, I want you to stay on the course. I want you to survive.

Billy Graham, however, survived this time of doubt. How?

      4.     Go to the Past

Habakkuk’s book started with frustration and questions but ended up with praise. What happened in the middle? What did the old prophet get in between? Were his questions answered? It seemed at least some of his questions were answered.

Contrary to the natural guess, Habakkuk was never answered. God never explained himself. In fact, God spoke something (Hab 1:5-11) that would make Habakkuk complain more (Hab 1:12-17). How in the world then Habakkuk ended up praising God at the last chapter? Well, the answer is on Chapter 2 verse 1. He said, “I will stand like a guard and watch. I will wait to see what the Lord will say to me. I will wait and learn how he answers my questions.”

Habakkuk chose to stand like and guard and watch, to wait for what God has to say. In short for Habakkuk “unanswered” ≠ “no answer”. Habakkuk believed there has to be some answer!

This is the most difficult moment. But this is also a rewarding decision you can ever make. This is what kept Billy Graham in his journey. Faith!

If your mind is wrestling with your heart, it will be very much hard to convince your mind to have faith in God. Faith is the language of the heart. The mind loves arguments and rational answers. In the darkest moment of my life where I question the God I served, I had to have some faith in him. How can I have faith when I am full of questions the illicit doubt? How can you trust the judge when you have any questions on him? Honestly speaking, it’s still the most difficult thing to do.

That is where I believe God helped me a lot. Faith gave me the ability to see the unseen answers through the victories and answers of my past. Has God ever answered your questions? How many times?

I cannot deny that God has answered many of my questions in the past. It has now been some 12 years since I accepted Jesus Christ as the Lord of my life. Jesus has turned down my life upside down. He changed my personality and made me new. He gave me a meaning to live and die for. He changed my inward desires and outward behaviors. I just cannot deny his influence in my life. Does it mean that He will answer everything this time also? At least I can hope.

Habakkuk was able to hope because he knew Judah’s past. He knew God brought them out of Egypt. He knew the past. When you lose faith, may you be reminded of your past! He has helped you. He has answered you countless times!

     5.     What about Jesus?

The last but the most powerful of all reasons why I survived the times of doubt and questions fall on Jesus! I had studied Jesus for more than a decade now. I am yet to meet a complete, reasonable and amazing person like him. I tried to be skeptical of him. He has always proven me wrong.

I still have many questions when I consider the whole Bible. However, I see countless answers when I see Jesus on every page of the Bible. Theology made me question many things. Bible study made me answer many things. Focus on Jesus!

I have never seen a good moral teacher who taught to love our enemies other than Jesus. I have never seen a person who claimed to be the only way to God other than Jesus. I have never heard of any ancient times prophet or leader of a movement who claimed to have been risen from the dead and been seen by 500 people. I think we need to follow Christianity in light of Jesus, not follow Jesus in light of Christianity.

Jesus settles all the questions. He is the most quoted person of all time. No book has been written concerning one’s life more than that of Jesus'. Politicians call him the pacifist revolutionary. Philosophers couldn’t even understand his personality. He divided the calendar. His movement conquered the greatest of all empires the world has ever seen, the great Roman Empire.

My physical pain should not separate me from the amazing person of all time. He, claiming to be God, endured excruciating pain. He knew what it means to have physical pain. Who can understand me more than Jesus? I admit that pain is a very painful reality that I cannot explain. However, I have a friend who understands me as I pass through that road. His name is Jesus!

I cannot just give up on this person. He died claiming in the place of all human beings. He suffered the worst of all executions for no good immoral reasons but still prayed for the executioners. He was close enough with the sinners of his time. He spoke Aramaic. His words were first written in Greek. His testimonies are now in many thousand languages. 99.9% of his followers neither speak Aramaic nor speak Greek. He didn’t impose any language on anyone. His movement aka Christianity respected every ethnicity. Don't let your love for your ethnic background hinder you from following the most complete person of all time. He understands all languages. he doesn't undermine the questions of justice in every nation. He offers the best of all answers: Love. He is the model of the best form of social activism. He advocated for the poor and the oppressed and He did it all peacefully. Jesus served, healed and helped both the Romans and the Jews. He is the ideal person for social activism.

How can I give up on Jesus? How on earth? He is the only hope for mankind. The only reliable data on resurrection in all history happens to be the resurrection of Jesus Christ. Pain and death are the evilest and unexplained questions we all have. Who can give us the hope of answer other than Jesus who experienced excruciating pain and rose from the dead? I cannot see myself giving up on Him!

I survived not because I had all the questions answered but because I had the hope of the answers, Jesus!

With the weakest voice of all time, I was able to utter, “I am going to wait for Jesus! I know He has the answers” and fight daily repeating the same lines. Don’t leave the faith. Don’t walk away. Take a time to refresh your mind, allow God to communicate to you, know that unanswered doesn’t mean no answer, learn God’s faithfulness from your past stories and build your faith, and finally look at Jesus! May you remain in his house!