23 and Doubter:

By Rahel Tariku

 

I am 23. I’m a full grown adult now when I was younger I thought I’d have a total comprehension of how I would like to live my life. At least settle down with one world view by 23. If not passionately pursue something that is worth the fight. At this age I should know what I am doing here, where am going… if there is something I should live for or if I’m just here, just existing and someday going to  disappear to nothing.

Are purpose, value and meaning notions we painted to endure the reality of being here and then vanishing to nil? Or is the concept of nothing constructed when we failed to hold on to faith and live up to its expectations (standards)? This I have been contemplating for what seems like eternity and it never stops. Basically am saying am having an existential crisis.

Amidst all of this scrutiny, I was lost. I began to learn new persuasion every day. To be completely convinced and then to commute the next day because something seemingly better has come up makes a way for doubt and uncertainty. Not being able to land on anything is exhausting. Switching and re adjusting to the new ideologies is draining because the ideologies never stop coming. The unproductive vigor I spent seeking to know a truth got me burnet out. Empty and mentally exhausted, devoid of any sort of motivation.

It seems easy to sit and not worry about anything but what does that make me? Ignorant,  for choosing stability than to fight for what is just. Careless for what others are going through just because I can’t seem to fix the problems.  Selfish for choosing my mental  health over reality.

With all this in mind, how do I move forward? One thing that comes to mind is something I read once about Thomas and Jesus. (John 20;24-31) when the disciples told Thomas that they have seen the lord, he couldn’t believe that it would be true for many valid reasons in my opinion at least . it must have felt too good to be true. But the main point is that Jesus did not dismiss him and his doubt, he came again and showed him what he needed to see to believe. He said its better for you to believe than to be an unbeliever. Jesus still wanted the relationship. In Acts 1:6 the disciples had questions about the kingdom of Israel and he told them that it is not for them to know the times or the seasons that the father has put. He did not answer their question and left them with more.

Doubt is the real part of faith. Doubt teaches us we can’t have all the answers but also have faith. God embraces questions and doubt. We as humans are made to question and doubt. it is okay to question. It opens a door to learn more about our faith. Even though the process is draining and exhaustive the outcome is better. Don’t lose hope halfway in. don’t lose your zeal, move forward with every strength you have. The maker loves you and he loves me. He still wants the relationship.